That’s a message that I was leaving Nicholas’s babysitter one afternoon. As those words were coming out of my mouth, I remember thinking “what did I just say?”
For some reason, this message that I left was when it hit me that I was someone’s mom. It wasn’t in the hospital after giving birth, it wasn’t as I was breastfeeding Nicholas in the church bathroom after our vows in my wedding dress. It was right there during that phone call, because I had never referred to myself as “Nicholas’s mom” out loud so formally before.
Now, it is the day before Mother’s day, and I am already getting “Happy Mother’s Day” text messages from friends and family. I still can’t believe that this is my life! I was never positive what I was going to do for a living. I was never sure where I was going to live. The one thing that I was always sure about it that I wanted to be a mom someday.
What I didn’t know about was the crazy primal feelings you get after you give birth. Nicholas seemed like a stranger in that little clear bassinet they give you in the hospital. It was as if someone had removed an organ from my body and although I didn’t know much about it, if someone harmed it I knew I would die. Every time the nurses wheeled the bassinet out of the room, I gave them this skeptical look as though they were trying to steal him. The protective instinct kicks in before you even know your baby whatsoever. It is the most interesting natural thing ever.
Once they had clued us in to the possibility of Down Syndrome, I became really defensive toward the staff, because in my mind they were trying to make me see things that were “wrong” with him.
“Look at his almond shaped eyes, there are white brush marks on them.”
“He has a little fatty patch behind his neck.”
“Look at his toes, they’re a little spaced apart.”
I felt like I needed to defend all of these little traits about Nicholas even though Nicholas was still a total stranger! It taught me that unconditional love exists, and it’s the most real between mothers and their babies.
Once I left the hospital and really got to know Nicholas, it seems like he is the perfect third member of our little team. Waking up every morning and getting Nicholas out of his crib means that I get to realize one of my lifelong dreams every single day. When I look into those blue brush-marked eyes, I see everything I have ever wanted my life to be. Even in these moments..
I want to thank my husband for making my dreams come true, and making it full of laughs and love.
I also wanted to introduce you to the moms in my life.
My mother, Linda, made my brother and I her whole life when we were growing up. She did the one thing that a good parent should do, and that is to instill in a child that anything is achievable. Because of you, I feel like I can accomplish anything! Thank you for showing me what being a mother really means while filling my life with fun. I love you so much!
My mother-in-law, also Linda, is another amazing mother in my life. When I am with her I feel like we were always meant to know each other. Linda, thank you for not only accepting me into your family, but becoming one of my best friends in the process. I am so lucky to call you family!
One last shoutout.
I want to thank all of you mommas who have connected with me through this platform and Nicholas’ Instagram account, @limitlessnicholas. I feel as though I have finally found the way for me to be passionate about writing again, and you all make it feel worth it.
Happy Mother’s Day!